Chapter 24. Vote

When last we left Edward and Bella they were engaged in a familiar argument about Bella's future. 'To be or not to be a vampire' Normally Bella loses this argument fairly quickly but this time Bella found a way to use her largely useless skill of endangering her own life to an advantage. During their recent Volturi encounter, the Italian vamps had promised to rain down hell if Bella weren't 'turned' when they next met, Bella argues that staying human endangers not only her life but the lives of the rest of the Cullen clan and thus the whole family should have a say in whether or not she gets to vamp out, not just Edward.

Clever Bella. That's some pretty sound logic from a girl who mere pages ago was hallucinating old lovers. A pretty snappy come back from a mental break down wouldn't you say? But seriously, she makes a good point, the Cullen's do deserve a say in this little debate. Bella's faith that the Cullen's will be on her side of the argument is a little surprising. After all, Bella has been nothing but trouble for the vampires since she showed up in Forks. None of the Cullen's had to worry about endangered lives before she came along, if I were a member of the Cullen clan I wouldn't vote vampire or human, I'd vote for Bella's head on a stick.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, Edward reluctantly agrees to sneak Bella away to see the Cullen's and put her mortality to a vote, of course when they actually get to the house he says

"I'm just humoring you with this. It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say."

Typical, controlling, 'thinks he knows whats best', 'won't let you make your own decisions', Edward. I'm starting to miss Jacob already.

Obviously the family votes to vamp Bella. Edward and Rosalie's 'Nay's' are outnumbered by 'Yeas' from Alice, Jasper, Emmet, Esme and Carlisie. It was a stupid vote. Giving up humanity isn't so bad, what does Bella have to lose? cheeseburgers? Let's look at the upsides of vampirism a la the Meyerverse, we get: immortality, eternal youth, speed, super strength, not to mention the money she'll save never having to buy body glitter again. And in the con column we have what? Sleep? Overrated. The sun? Nope. Food? She'll still get to chow down on some tasty mountain lion from time to time...some venison perhaps....sounds like a good deal to me. Regardless, the vote swings in Bella's favor and Carlisle agrees to bite her. In response to this, and in a totally unnecessary rage, Edward's stalks out of the room and starts breaking stuff like a spoiled child then returns and starts screaming 'NO!' in Bella's face. Who knew Edward was such a poor loser?

After he stops yelling Edward tries a more reasonable approach to stalling the inevitable and reminds Bella that Charlie probably wouldn't take her sudden disappearance very well. That gem of logic puts Edward back in the game and brings the Bella vs. Edward scoreboard to 1, 1.

It's decided that Bella's vampification will be put off until after graduation when she has moved out of Charlies house, which gives Edward time to come up with more long term stall tactics. Time he obviously doesn't need because before the chapters over he's already figured out how to best Bella in the argument for her humanity. Edward offers a trade, he agrees to vamp Bella himself if she will marry him. In a shocking twist...well it's about as shocking a twist as Stephanie Meyer is capable of maneuvering...Bella says 'no' to Edward's proposal and around the globe millions of preteen girls gasp in horror then cry out in chorus 'Marry me!'

One of the best parts of this chapter is a small section where Bella admits to Edward that he is much scarier than the Volturi because while the worst the Volturi can do is kill her, Edward can leave her. This confession hurts Edward of course and Bella regrets the admission for causing him pain. Personally, I wouldn't feel even a twinge of regret. Awwwww, is poor broody Edward feeling bad for breaking Bella's heart, leaving her all alone to suffer, almost die and torture and tease poor Jacob with false promises of a future together? Well, GOOD! That's what you get for leaving. Edward should suffer a little. Don't get me wrong, I'm overjoyed to have Edward back, but don't you think he deserves a little taste of what he put the rest of us through? Edwardless for almost an entire book! A little retribution isn't undeserved. I think Bella simply telling Edward the truth, that she's more afraid of losing him again than of death, is letting him off easy. Just wait until Jacob gets a chance at him in Eclipse, that's a little more just punishment.

Oh yes, Bella also tells Edward about her hallucinations. I probably would have kept that little tidbit to myself but it triggers Bella's epiphany which is *drumroll* 'Edward loves her' I know, it's pretty poor as far as epiphanies go but then Bella generally is a little on the slow side.

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

TBA

Chapter 22 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Bella has an epiphany realizing that Edward loves her
• Bella asks the Cullen's to vote on her mortality
• Bella wins the vote for vampirism 5 to 2
• Edward breaks stuff
• Carlisle agrees to bite Bella after graduation
• Edward offers to do Bella in himself if she'll marry him
• Bella says no (and shocks and outrages teenage girls everywhere)
• Charlie is not on Team Edward
  
• Bella tells Charlie to ease up on Edward or she'll move out

Chapter 23: The Truth

I realize I'm jumping in at the middle of the chapter here but when Edward asks if it's too late, if he's hurt Bella too much for her to love him again my heart absolutely drops. I can be overly critical of Meyers writing, the excessive repetition, the lack of plot, action, etc. But to give her some credit, however she accomplishes it, these books can still make my heart swell and break. For most of New Moon I've been missing the emotion that Twilight brought out in me, but this chapter was thick with the familiar maudlin tone of the first book...and then again, some parts of the chapter irritated me to the point that I wanted to yell at the pages in front of me.

But as I said, I've skipped the beginning so lets pull it back a bit. As the chapter opens Bella wakes with Edward in her bed which would be a good place to start a chapter except that we are forced to suffer through pages of Bella thinking she's crazy, or dead or dreaming. This is frustrating for a couple reasons: one, because the readers know it's not a dream so it lacks the potential of a clever reveal, two, because Meyers drags it on and on and on, we get it. Bella's so happy that Edward is back she can barely let herself believe it's true. Stephanie, really, you could have gotten that across in a sentence like "Was I dreaming? Dead? I was so happy to feel his arms around me again I was afraid to let myself believe it was real" there, done. But no, the debate rages for pages, dies down as Bella accepts the reality she is presented with, and then picks back up again before she finally lets it go. At least Bella admits she's being ridiculous.

"Edward was really, truly here with me, and I was wasting time being an idiot."

Yes, yes you were. I have to admit though, despite the fact that having to wade through pages of characters arguing about what is and isn't reality makes me grit my teeth, I am ecstatic to have Bella and Edward back together. All is right in the world again. How quickly I forget my affection for Jacob, two chapters of Edward and I'm as useless to resist as Bella. Sorry Jake, your sweet and all but how can you not be affected by a man who says things like "I can't live in a world where you don't exist." and means it enough to skip the country to attempt a demo.


The entire chapter is spent with Edward and Bella in Bella's bedroom talking. I know, it sounds dull but it's good stuff people, it's relationships, it's dialogue, it's romantic expletive! I love that Bella's strategy for trying to keep Edward with her and avoid the re-break up she sees as inevitable is to just keep talking.


The chapter ends with the lovey dovey conversation dissolving back into the same argument the two had failed to resolve before they separated. The question of whether or not Bella should remain human.

Other things I loved this chapter: That Charlie banned Edward from the house and that Edward and Bella got enough chat time to remind me that literary Edward is much funnier than Robert Pattinson Edward. Hear that 'Pattz?' Edward is serious, but funny. Lighten up.

I can't even describe how much pleasure it brings me that Edward refers to Jacob as 'the boy' The seed of jealousy sprouted already? I can't decide if it's a pet name meant to intentionally slight Jacob or if he thinks that way of everyone so young. Either way it makes me smile without fail. It must be the anticipation of getting to start Eclipse soon.

I mentioned as I opened this post, this chapter was full of the overwrought emotion and romantic declaration I've missed so very much in Edward's absence. As a result I'm left with too many favorite quotes this chapter to count, so here is my edited list....

Favorite Quotes and Conversation

"Bella. I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

'This was very good, as far as delusions went. The fact, the voice, the scent everything - it was so much better than drowning."

"His irises were pitch-black, with bruise-like shadows under them. This surprised me; my hallucinatory Edwards were usually better fed.

"...I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

"...when I heard that you have to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile..."

"I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see you and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for-"

"Edward," I said. His name burned my throat a little on the way out. I could feel the ghost of the hole, waiting to rip itself wide again as soon as he dissappeared."

"my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met"

and my favorite of my favorites.....

"When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

Chapter 23 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Bella sleeps
• Bella dreams
• Bella wakes up with Edward in her bed
  
• There is a lot of talking
• Everyone is making moon eyes at each other
• Bella and Edward argue about immortality
  

Chapter 22: Flight

Edward, Bella and Alice seem to have escaped the Volturi's office/batcave/castle without incident...well almost. As Bella and the Cullen siblings walk away from the Volturi free and clear, they pass a group of tourists who are about to inherit the bad luck our heroes managed to avoid. No, sadly we don't witness the carnage, we just get a vague reference to screaming as the unsuspecting tourists are eaten. Once again I'm disappointed that Meyers can't favour us with at least a little vampire action (not the sexual kind, the bloody, violent, remind us why it's a better idea to fear them than date them, kind). I was recently introduced to a reimagining of Pride and Prejudice (thank you Lisa) called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies in which Seth Grahame-Smith expands Jane Austen's classic romance to include 'bone-crunching zombie mayhem'. I know, you're thinking 'what could be more awesome?' or 'what an incredible genius this Seth Grahame-Smith is!' or possibly 'what does Pride and Prejudice and Zombies have to do with this unbearably dull chapter of New Moon? This post is getting off topic'.
Quite right, but the reason I mention it is, I was thinking, wouldn't it be great if someone took Meyers brilliant saga and amped up the action? Something to give the Twilight books at least a PG 13 rating. Nothing as drastic as adding zombies but just a little more scare here and there to make us buy the threat. Does anyone ever really believe Edward is going to suddenly turn on Bella and eat her? Or that Aro and company prove a real danger? Do we even know what a vampire attack looks like? Meyers has never really shown us how scary vampires can be? Ok so Jasper got a little out of control, but mostly we've only really met vampires who are sweet as fluffy white kittens. Maybe they bite gentle? I know it's dangerous to mess with a story so near perfection but just think, instead of 'hearing screaming' we could have 'blood drenching or decapitation' now that's scary, but it's a pipe dream and maybe something better saved for True Blood, back to what is...

The Volturi have asked that Bella and the Cullens wait in the reception area until dark before taking their leave. It still kills me that the secret Italian vampire society, centuries old, has a reception area. Oh and not just a reception area but a receptionist as well. The non-vampire Gianna, who no one seems to be very fond of, though I can't say why. Bella's distaste is the most shocking, all up on her high horse, judging Gianna just because she hangs with vampires, look to your right sunshine.Personally, I think Gianna is a gem, she's very good at her job, pleasant, attentive, you'd think an interspecies couple like E and B would be a little more open minded. Then again, Bella's mind is a little shaky after the whole screaming tourists getting eaten in a nearby room thing. In fact Bella is in total hysterics over the stress of the whole ordeal. She's all tear stained and making funny noises. Honestly, not the best strategy to make Edward want to stick around. Fortunately for Bella this chapter puts Edward right where Bella wants him. Trapped in a plane where he can't run away, which Bella figures he's likely to do as soon as he gets chance. If I were in Bella's position I would have capitalized on the set number of hours in a confined space with no chance of escape as a perfect opportunity to grill Edward on, oh I don't know, trivial stuff like his leaving me and his suicide attempt but Bella pretty much just sits and thinks, typical.

This is one of those chapters I hate to write about because virtually nothing happens. It's pretty much equivalent to the hotel room chapter in the first book. The action consists of copious amounts of sitting around on a plane without so much as a snake to add to the excitement.

A couple of quick things I did want to note this chapter despite the serious lack of goings on.

• The perfect illustration of Bella's oddness: Alice goes to fetch Bella's bags before they all leave Europe for home and Bella thinks to herself..."I'd forgotten that I had access to a toothbrush. It brightened my outlook considerably." Seriously. Italy, surviving a near death by vampire, being reunited with the love of your life, these are things that should brighten an outlook in Bella's situation, not a toothbrush.
• The term blood singer. Ew.
• And finally, my favorite moment of the chapter was a Charlie moment."I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here." Charlie bellowed at Edward. I love Charlie.

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her."

"To have my eyes so filled with tears that I could not see his features clearly was wasteful - insanity."

Edward to Charlie "Be mad at me" Charlie to Edwrad "You bet I will!"

Chapter 22 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Edward, Bella and Alice chill in the Volturi reception area
• Bella has hysterics
• Everyone is rude to helpful human Volturi receptionist
• Edward, Bella and Alice fly home
• There is a Cullen family welcome home party at airport
• Rosalie apologizes for causing Edward to try and kill himself
• Bella says its cool
• Charlie does the overprotective dad thing
• Bella deprives herself of sleep for the entire chapter
  

Chapter 19: Hate

Very little happens this chapter. Bella and Alice spend most of the chapter on the plane to Italy. The only real entertainment comes from Alice...sort of, well Edward actually but via 'Alicevision'. Through Alice we get to hear about the various plans Edward is considering to make the Volturi cranky enough to 'off' him. The Volturi would kill him for any action that revealed him for what he is and risked their secret.

Edward Suicide Idea #1
Killing spree in the city, mayhem! Mayhem! Mayhem!

Since there isn't much to chat about this chapter, I'd like to take this opportunity to make a general observation about New Moon. In the first book (Twilight), the story bumped along fairly uneventfully until S.M. produced the threat of the three nomad vampires out of thin air. with no reasoning or warning whatsoever. S.M. managed to tie the story elements of the second book together much more neatly. In the last chapter (Chapter 18 of New Moon) the threat was revealed (Edward's suicide attempt) ...but this time S.M. put a little effort into getting us there.

Edward Suicide Idea #2
Lift a car over his head in a display of inhuman strength

...to get to this point S.M. had to...have Edward tell Bella how he would use the Volturi to kill himself if he were forced to live without her; Have Jasper almost eat Bella so Edward would leave for her own good; which created in Bella an unhealthy need to chase hallucinations of Edwards voice through participation in extreme sports; which resulted in her contacting Jacob Black about fixing motorcycles; who fell in love with her and turned into a werewolf (not in that order) so that he was invisible to Alice when he saved Bella from almost drowning, the day that Harry Clearwater died, after she jumped off a cliff (unrelated events, Harry's death and the cliff jump) which Alice did see (the jumping part) and assuming Bella was dead went to Forks to check it out but not before telling Rosalie what she saw; who then told Edward who called Bella's, only to have the phone answered by Jacob who loved Bella and was a werewolf so hated the vampire and wouldn't give Bella the phone; which resulted in Jacob answering Edward's question which was 'Where is Charlie?' to which Jacob replied "At the funeral" because Charlie was at the funeral, Harry Clearwater's funeral, only Edward wrongly assumed Jacob had meant 'Bella's funeral' which was news that made Edward want to kill himself; which Alice, who happened to be visiting Forks because of the whole cliff jumping incident foresaw and now has to try and prevent with the help of Bella, by flying to Italy to save Edward from the Volturi and himself. Fun Times.

Edward Suicide Idea #3
Walk out into the sunshine and sparkle and shine
(or hope to be mauled to death by adolescent Twilight fans)

Actually, Chapter 19 isn't that much fun. As I mentioned the only entertaining bit is Alice keeping tabs on Edwards exit strategies. The one he seems to have settled on by the end of the chapter is simple. He plans to walk out into the sun, at 12 noon for maximum effect and because they needed some reason for him to wait long enough for Bella and Alice to reach him.

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

"I doubt they've ever had a situation quite like this," she muttered, disgusted. "You don't get a lot of suicidal vampires."

She eyed me speculatively. "How strongly are you opposed to grand theft auto?"

"Try not to trip," she added. "We don't have time for a concussion today."

Chapter 19 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Edward tries to think up creative ways of committing vampire suicide
• Bella and Alice race from Forks to Italy to save him from the Volturi and himself
  

Chapter 18: The Funeral

So Alice is still at Bella's but she skips out when Jacob shows up at Bella's front door to avoid a confrontation. Jacob and Bella fight a bit, he's still hurt that she tossed him like last weeks garbage at the mere prospect that one of her precious vampires had come back.

Personally I think his behavior is somewhat justified but Bella is hurt that he's acting nasty anyway. She cries, Jacob apologizes for hurting her..., again and before you know it, he's got her face in his hands, they're gazing deeply into each others eyes and they are about to lock lips. The first time I read this I was so infuriated that Bella was about to kiss Jacob (you may recall from previous posts that I have issue with the way Bella encourages Jacob's un-reciprocated feelings), that I sped through the section to see what was going to happen without actually reading what was written. The second time through I actually processed some of what was going through Bella's head in the seconds between, her realizing what Jacob was about to do, and deciding whether or not she was ok with it. Although I've never been supportive of Bella leading Jacob on, as soon as she started honestly considering Jacob, and the possibility of letting Edward go, I started to feel bad for her. Maybe I've been a little harsh. She's been devastated by lost love, a love that in her mind has no equal. Who wouldn't be hesitant to jump into a relationship that has no hope of being more than a shadow of what she had known? But at the same time, having suffered such a blow, isn't she entitled to some comfort? Shouldn't she be able to hold on to any ounce of happiness she can find? And now, if she thinks she found something she could live with (which is the quality of romance Bella figures the rest of the world is working with) why shouldn't she at least try to enjoy herself to whatever extent that is possible? Why not try building a relationship with someone new? Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. Whew, I usually have to struggle to wrap my head around Bella's motivations. Despite being in her head and having them spelled out on the page in front of me, for the most part trying to figure her out leaves me equally irritated and confounded. That is as close as I come to 'getting' her and I feel it's only appropriate that I formally apologize for my harsh words regarding her treatment of Jacob. She, maybe, sort of, might, not have been as cold hearted and evil as I made her out to be. Sorry 'bout that.

And all that was stirred up by a kiss that never happened! I was so absorbed with my own ramblings there for a second I forgot that Bella and Jacob were interrupted at the moment of truth. Just as Jacob is about to go in for the kiss, the phone rings...and this my friends, is where things start to get really good :) It seems to me, at this point in her writing, S.M. realized that she should probably insert some sort of action before the end of New Moon, so her fans wouldn't revolt when given a book where Edward is absent and nothing happens. So back to the phone call...

"Swan residence," Jacob said, his husky voice low and intense. Someone answered, and Jacob altered in an instant. He straightened up, and his hand dropped from my face. His eyes went flat, his face blank. I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me. "He's not here," Jacob said, and the words were menacing. There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, "He's at the funeral." Then Jacob hung up the phone. "Filthy bloodsucker," he muttered under his breath. "Who did you just hang up on?" I gasped, infuriated. "In my house, and on my phone?"

It was Edward *gasp* Although we don't find that out until Alice shows up having had a vision of Edward committing suicide. Turns out Rosalie had told Edward about Alice's vision of Bella jumping off the cliff. Edward called to find out if Bella was o.k. and when he asked if he could speak to Charlie, Jacob answered 'he's at the funeral'. Jacob meant Harry Clearwater's funeral, Edward assumed he meant Bella's funeral. The chapter ends with Jacob begging Bella to go as Bella and Alice run off to Italy to rescue Edward.

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

Bella on kissing Jacob: Maybe it would be easy - like holding his hand or having his arms around me. Maybe it would feel nice. Maybe it wouldn't feel like betrayal. Besides, who was I betraying anyway? Just myself.

Jacob's furious voice was suddenly in my ear, hissing out a stream of profanities. I felt a vague disapproval. His new friends were clearly a bad influence.

Alice to Jacob: "Yes. You're right, dog." Alice was snarling, too. "The Volturi are the very essence of our kind—they're the reason your hair stands on end when you smell me. They are the substance of your nightmares, the dread behind your instincts. I'm not unaware of that."

Alice on stopping Edward from killing himself "So if they agree to grant his favor, we're too late. If they say no, and he comes up with a plan to offend them quickly enough, we're too late. If he gives into his more theatrical tendencies… we might have time."

Chapter 18 sum up in 10 points or less

• Jacob shows up at Bella's
• Jacob and Bella fight
• Jacob and Bella almost kiss
• The almost kiss is interrupted by a phone call
• It's Edward on the phone
  
• Jacob thinks it's Carlisle and tells him Charlie is at the funeral
• Jacob meant Harry's funeral, Edward thought he meant Bella's funeral
  
• Alice tells Bella Edward thinks she's dead and he's going to kill himself

New Moon Chapter 17: Visitor

Super quick, single breath catch up....Jacob was bringing Bella home he smelled vampire Bella saw Carlisle's car Jacob bailed Bella ran inside the house to see who it was and there standing in the Swan's front hall was.....(drum roll) Alice! YEAY! It's Alice! The return of a Cullen, any Cullen is an incredibly satisfying event. I feel like I've been holding my breath for the last 8 chapters. As I read the first three lines of chapter 17 an enormous smile spread across my face and I expect it will remain anchored there for at least the next 30 or 40 pages.

I was surprised that Bella guessed why Alice had returned to Forks before I did. Maybe the euphoria was impacting my ability to think clearly. Alice had a vision of Bella falling of the cliff and when she didn't see her surface, Alice hopped the first flight to Forks. Were I in Bella's place, I don't think I could have avoided directing some undeserved hostility her way over Edward's harsh and abrupt departure, but Bella is elated to see Alice and says nothing. I suppose I was equally thrilled at Alice's return but Edward didn't leave me. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation between the two girls (or girl and vampire as it were), as Bella explained what she was doing jumping off a cliff and told Alice about Jacob and the pack. I loved Alice's reaction to hearing about what Jacob had become.

She turned to stare at me with a shocked expression. "You're best friend is a werewolf?"

Once Alice had ascertained that Bella was fine, she seemed to regret coming in the first place. When Alice made a move to leave, Bella just about lost it. The hysterics, the hyperventilation, the futile grasping. Normally I am disapproving of Bella's desperate streak, but I myself felt a flash of panic at the thought of Alice disappearing again. After hundreds of pages, I was not ready to endure any more of S.M.'s writing Cullenless.

As much as I enjoyed the casual catch up chit chat, I was dying to find out what Edward had been up to and was sitting at the edge of my chair when Bella finally got around to bringing him up, but Bella is about as tough as a...well..., a very soft thing, and she could barely handle getting a single question out before her internal defenses kicked in and she went into emotional lock down. Pathetic! Not to mention frustrating.

My favorite part of the chapter was Bella eavesdropping on Charlie and Alice as they talked about how Bella dealt with Edward leaving her. Alice didn't seem all that surprised over Bella's poor coping skills. In fact throughout the chapter she repeated 'I told him so' frequently, I assume in reference to telling Edward that Bella would not be able to deal with Edward leaving her. Getting to see Bella cope (or not cope as it were) with the 'break up' (that doesn't seem like the right term, 'situation' or 'tragedy' seems more appropriate) through Charlie's eyes made it more...sad. Bella is a much more attractive person when you aren't in her head, any time I see her through other characters eyes she seems so much more sympathetic.


Other things I loved this chapter: Every word of it...oh, you were expecting something more specific?

• Alice's mere presence. The Cullen's get all the good lines, the 'Favorite Quotes and Conversation' section of my posts have suffered ever since the Cullens went MIA.
  
  
• Jacob's curt call to make sure Bella was alive after he left her alone to see which of her ex-'vampire family' had stopped in for a visit.
  
  
• Bella being all touchy feely with Alice, not giving a second thought to Alice's hunger, after being away from the company of people who wanted to eat her for so long.
  
  
• Charlie's protective fatherly anger toward Edward over the pain he had caused Bella and;
  
  
• Charlie giving Alice a Jacob sales pitch to pass on to Edward as a warning that Bella had moved on, or was headed in the direction of moving on (however untrue that might be).

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

I'd forgotten how hard she was; it was like running headlong into a wall of cement.

She rolled her eyes. "He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy."

"Leave it to you, Bella. Anyone else would be better off when the vampires left town. But you have to start hanging out with the first monsters you can find."

Charlie on Bella coping with Edward leaving "I don't know… even with Jacob, now and then I see something in her eyes, and I wonder if I've ever grasped how much pain she's really in It's not normal, Alice, and it… it frightens me. Not normal at all. Not like someone… left her, but like someone died." His voice cracked.

I stared at her, putting it together. "You can't see werewolves?" She grimaced. "So it would seem." She was obviously annoyed by this fact—very annoyed.

Chapter 17 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Alice saw Bella jump off the cliff in a vision and thought she was dead
• Bella is, despite her best efforts, still not dead
• Alice came to Forks to help Charlie (still thinking Bella was dead)
• Vampires think werewolves smell bad and vice versa
• Alice's visions don't work on the wolves (or those around them)

New Moon Chapter 16: Paris

So last chapter Bella jumped off a cliff and almost drowned, this chapter opens with Jacob pulling her out of the water. Bella finds out that while she was cliff diving alone, Harry Clearwater (good friend of the Black's and Bella's dad, Charlie) had suffered a heart attack. A short while later, Bella learns that Harry died at the hospital.

Harry's death doesn't seem to bother Bella all that much but it does put the whole 'endangering her life just to hallucinate about Edward' thing into perspective. Finally, she realizes that trying to generate hallucinations of the person who left you an emotional black hole is not a healthy way of dealing with loss. Bella has decided she needs to get over Edward, her health and sanity depend on it, what she can't decide is if the best way to do this is to give being with Jacob Black a try. Bella spends the rest of the chapter trying to convince herself it would be a good thing to use Jacob as a rebound, Jacob would get what he wants and by making Jacob happy Bella might be less unhappy. The 'to Jacob or not to Jacob' internal debate goes on for awhile. 'Should I? Shouldn't I? Edward would want me to be happy but Juliet would never settle for second best.' Oh yes, I didn't mention that, Bella sees herself as Juliet, priceless. Instead of using your basic pro con list as a tool to decide if gettin' it on with Jacob is a good decision, Bella places Jacob in Paris's role (which in and of itself is saying Jacob is second best and she is not in love with him) and Edward in the role of Romeo and she mentally fanfics a variety of scenarios out in her head. Bella tries to guess how Juliet would act were she in Bella's place (not that Juliet is a great model for healthy relationships either). For example, in one of Bella's mental wanderings, she asks herself what would have happened if Paris had been given a personality and were Juliet's best friend and Romeo had lost interest in Juliet, what would the tragic heroine have done? Surely her story wouldn't have been as tragic.

I wondered what she would have done if Romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but because he lost interest? What if instead of marrying Juliet, he's just disappeared? ...I wondered if she would have married Paris in the end...

Of course tragedy could have also been avoided in Romeo and Juliet if any one of the the characters in the play weren't so prone to overreaction or had any degree of coping skills.

But back to Bella. Bella still doesn't have romantic feelings toward Jacob, she's just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. If you ask me, if you have to put that much thought into whether or not you should be dating someone, they are not the right someone for you. Bella's decisions are rarely the ones I would make, so as expected she had pretty much talked herself into giving the whole 'Jacob the boyfriend' thing a whirl when her over analysis of the situation is interrupted. Jacob was in the process of driving Bella home when he caught wiff of a vampire's scent (Brace yourselves now) As Jacob starts to speed Bella away to safety, Bella notices a car on the street in front of her house, it's Carlisle Cullen's car (you may take a celebratory moment if you wish before I go on), Bella pitches a fit so Jacob will turn around and let her out. As soon as she's outside, Jacob leaves with his panties all in a bunch that Bella is excited to see evidence of the Cullens back in Forks (Sorry Jacob, I think we're all excited about that). The chapter ends with Bella entering her house trying desperately not to think about who the car might have brought with it.

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

'Juliet gets dumped and ends up with Paris' would haev never been a hit.

Jacob to Bella "Bye, Bella," He called back over his shoulder. "I really hope you don't die."

It was just Carlisle I told myself. Don't expect anything more. Maybe Esme...Stop right there, I told myself. Just Carlisle. That was plenty. More than I'd ever hoped to have again.

Chapter 16 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Jacob saved Bella from drowning
• Harry Clearwater dies of a heart attack
• Bella almost has herself convinced she should give Jacob a shot
• Bella sees Carlisle Cullens car parked on the street outside her house
• Jacob runs off leaving Bella alone to meet a vampire that may be friend or foe (dum dum dum....)
  

New Moon Chapter 14: Family

So Jacob takes Bella to meet the family...his wolf family anyway. For some reason I find the fact that the boys all run around half naked to save their shirts from being torn to shreds when they change into wolves, amusing. It's really not so bad since apparently being a werewolf means you are naturally huge and instantly buff. Beats a gym membership.


Not all the boys are happy that Jacob let Bella in the 'werewolves exist' club. Really though, who can blame them? Totally aside from the fact that Jacob was explicitly told not to tell Bella about the pack, why should she be privy to all the secrets in Forks and on the reserve? It hardly seems fair. One of the boys gets so bent out of shape about Bella's inclusion that he losses his cool and morphs into a wolf, charging Bella. Jacob of course moves to protect her without evening thinking about it and before you could say 'let her die already' a full on werewolf throw down is happening right in front of her. I actually really enjoyed this chapter so why don't I get my daily Bella bitch out of my system now. She leads people on leaving nothing but pain and heartache in her wake, she drives beautiful people out of town (not to mention a surgeon) and she makes brothers fight amongst themselves, she's like a poison that girl.


Things I enjoyed this chapter (and surprisingly there were a lot): The quote from Embry "I bet she's tougher than that. She runs with vampires." was completely entertaining to me. It sounded so much like a line from Grease (except for the vampire bit) I immediately envisioned Bella hanging out with the Cullens, racing for pink slips. I don't think that was the intention. Another thing I found entertaining was Bella's reaction to the fact that the wolves heal super fast. Impermeable vampire skin doesn't phase her, accelerated healing gives her the gitters. Go figure. I also loved a lot of the pack 'family' moments like Jaocb throwing the can opener at Jared's head for suggesting they use Bella as bait to catch Victoria. Bella telling Jacob to be careful and the boys bursting out into 'loud hoots of amusement'. And, the lot of them standing around the kitchen with their mouths hanging open that Victoria would be hunting for Bella in the first place. "She's just a girl" Embry protested. That's what I keep saying!

There are a lot more similarities between New Moon and Twilight than I originally picked up on. In addition to equally transparent plots and mediocre writing quality, both books dedicate at least a hundred pages or so to a storyline that if you boiled it down would look a lot like this:

There is a boy and there is Bella. Boy likes Bella then starts acting strange (although in the case of Twilight it was more like, boy acts strange, likes Bella then acts strange again). Boy competes with Mike Newton for Bella's affection. Bella experiences frustration over not knowing what the hell is going on and surmises boy is keeping secrets. Bella eventually figures the secret out because boy can't stay away from her then Bella gets introduced to boys strange secret world and discovers all sorts of fun facts to know like vampires sparkle.

New Moon took Twilight, substituted werewolves for vampires, made Bella really sad instead of just kinda indifferent and poof, another bestseller! O.k. admittedly, that was a drastic over simplification but I think S.M. is onto something, it's a winning formula. I'm sure all mythical monsters have quirks that would be novel and fun to learn about (especially after S.M. gets done with them, vampires sparkle, werewolves have super imprinty relationship skills, I wonder if mummy's glow in the dark?). And, based on Bella's track record if it's a classic movie monster it's bound to fall head over heels for her and there are a lot of classic movie monsters left just waiting for their chance in the spotlight. I smell spin offs.

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

"These were just four really big half-naked boys"

"Laurent," he repeated, snorting, like he was amused the vampire had had a name.

"Bella Swan," Jared told her, shrugging. Apparently, I'd been a topic of conversation before. "Who else?"

"So you're the vampire girl." I stiffened. "Yes. Are you the wolf girl?"

"Emily," he said, and so much love saturated his voice that I felt embarrassed, intrusive, as I watched him cross the room in one stride and take her face in his wide hands

All in all it wasn't exactly what I'd been expecting from a pack of werewolves.

Chapter 14 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Bella meets the vampire pack
• Not all of the pack is happy to meet her
• Bella meets Emily and finds out werewolves can be dangerous company
• The pack learns Victoria is after Bella
• The pack makes a plan to kill Victoria
  
• The chapter ends with Bella willingly thinking of Edward without doubling over in pain for the first time since Chapter 3...uh-oh
  

New Moon Chapter 13: Killer

People are jumping to conclusions all over the place this chapter. Bella has wrongly assumed that Jacob is a killer and Jacob has wrongly assumed Bella doesn't want to be around him any more because he is a werewolf.

Since becoming a werewolf it seems like every time Bella and Jacob speak they fight. Oddly, their squabbles make me like Jacob more, rather than less. I think it's a sign that Bella and Jacob's relationship is much healthier than the relationship that she had with Edward. Don't get me wrong, I'm still cheering team Edward on, but that doesn't necessarily mean I think he's the healthiest choice, just the most enjoyable. If we always did what was best for us, we'd never have peppermint lattes, but what would a world without peppermint lattes be? A cold, cruel and miserable world that's what, kind of like the middle section of New Moon. Let me explain without the caffeinated beverage analogy. Bella was always going around sulking about how her and Edward's relationship was so unequal. She was right of course, but she was usually referring to the contrast between her plainness and Edward's inconceivable beauty, when in my opinion the disparity was most noticeable when the two fought....or didn't fight as it were. If Edward and Bella had a disagreement, Bella never really got a say, she would try and put her two cents in but in the end Edward always won because he could pretty much make her do whatever he wanted. In fact, half the time Bella didn't even get the chance to disagree with Edward because he's quite a skilled manipulator and he would get his way without Bella ever knowing an alternative option existed. (I'm realizing now that the behavioral examples on which I'm basing my conclusions -e.g. Florida - are mostly coming from Eclipse so you'll just have to take my word for it that Edward does a lot on the D.L.). Jacob on the other hand always gives Bella the truth, he gives her the opportunity to disagree with him and the two fight it out like equals.


I liked Jacob a lot in this chapter actually, I loved the bit where Jacob got angry when Bella told him that Edward left because he 'just wasn't that into her' The kid does start to grow on you. Making it through the next 11 chapters might not be that painful.

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

"Could you… well, try to not be a… werewolf?" I suggested in a whisper.

He took two steps toward me, leaning over me and glaring with fury. "Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?"

"You really, honestly don't mind that I morph into a giant dog?" he asked, his voice
joyful in my ear.

Chapter 13 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Bella confronts Jacob about being a murderous wolf
• Jacob isn't a murderous wolf, just a wolf, so Bella and Jacob make up
• Bella discovers Laurent is dead
  
• Bella discovers V. is still hunting her
• Bella learns all sorts of neat werewolf stuff such as;
  - A werewolf can kill a vampire
  - Anger triggers werewolves to turn into a wolf
  - When werewolves are all wolfy they can hear each others thoughts
  - If the werewolf pack leader gives an order, the rest have to obey
• Bella goes double agent and lets Jacob in on some Cullen family secrets

New Moon Chapter 12: Intruder

I know this post is a day late but I'm claiming a sick day. I have less than no energy and I'm fighting a fever which is diminishing my motivation to sit in an upright position and type, but better late than never.

I feel like I have to apologize again for my constant bitterness toward Bella. Post after post, I do nothing but whine about her, but I can't help it! It's an involuntary reflex to her every thought throughout the entire middle section of New Moon. It's not Bella's fault. I must subconsciously be channeling my anger toward Stephanie Meyer, for penning so many Edwardless pages, at Bella's character. But it won't be long now, we're half way to Eclipse, and with the end of New Moon so near, I anticipate a return of my full range of emotion very soon.

Chapter 12 starts with Jacob Black visiting Bella's room Edward style, only with less grace. Bella is not welcoming, if you remember, the last time Bella and Jacob spoke, Jacob was hella mean. Jacob intended his middle of the night visit to be an apology. It ended up being less apology, more Jeopardy, as Jacob tried to help clueless Bella guess his secret by pacing and starting at her intensely. Not that helpful, especially for someone with powers of deduction as poor as Bella's. Jacob's secret isn't that difficult to guess. I'll take mythical creatures for $1,000 Alex. 'This mythical creature has been roaming the forest of Forks, chasing down vampires in meadows, starring in Bella Swan's dreams since Book 1 and during the day goes by the name Jacob Black. "What is, a Werewolf!"


Yes, Jacob is a Werewolf. This revelation is almost as shocking as the moment it was revealed that Edward is a vampire (In case you missed it, that was sarcasm). The Quileute legends, the 'bear' sightings that turned out to be horse sized wolves that chase vampires, the 'cult' of boys on the reserve that call themselves 'protectors', the fact that Jacob is always running a fever and going about half naked. Not to fret Stephanie, as I've said before, no one reads these books for the plot twists. Even though Jacob's condition is unlikely to shock most readers, it's still incredibly enjoyable to watch Bella clue in to what's going on...slow as she is. Although major plot points are blindingly obviously, personally, I am constantly surprised by Bella's reactions, for example, she gives vampires the benefit of the doubt while wolves she is ready to burn at the stake? It reminds me of a scene in Twilight where Bella criticized Jessica for forgiving Edward any faults because he's so darn pretty. Looks to me like Bella isn't much better. I suppose her initial distaste could be fueled entirely by the fact that she believed Jacob was partially responsible for the killings that have been going on around Forks. I still thinks it's specism.

I also loved that through her remarkable self involvement, Bella was able to make the 'Jacob is a werewolf' thing about her. Instead of concern over the obvious distress Jacob was feeling about his condition, or worrying about what this might mean for Jacob's future, Bella's first thoughts are "What does this say about me?" would it kill Stephanie to tone down her narcissism a notch or two? The world does not revolve around Bella Swan. I can see how she might be confused on this point, as the books are written from her perspective, but that's hardly an excuse. I hate to break it to you Bella, but this is why no one makes Team Bella t-shirts, no one likes you.


Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

Jacob - "I'm trying to keep"—he huffed, shifting his weight as the treetop bounced him-"my promise!"

Bella - "When did you ever promise to kill yourself falling out of Charlie's tree?"

It was a pack. A pack of five mind-blowingly gigantic, multihued werewolves that had stalked right past me in Edward's meadow…

(hehe 'multihued werewolves', for some reason this line reminds me of Martha Stewart. I'm pretty sure it's the use of the term multihued)

Chapter 12 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Jacob sneaks into Bella's room to apologize for being an ass
  
• Bella learns Jacob is a werewolf
  
• Bella draws comparisons and clearly seems to prefer cold and dead to warm and hairy
  

New Moon Chapter 11: Cult

As chapter 11 opens, Bella is in a sort of frying pan/fire situation. Escaping the encounter with Laurent without being killed only means she is alive for Victoria to find and kill, in a more brutal and painful way. Jacob also continues to be MIA, from Bella's life at least. I don't want to get into a tirade about Bella and my feelings on how she treats Jacob because I think I've made myself pretty clear on that point already, but I can't help pointing out Bella's desperate behavior when Jacob continues to ignore her, especially since she believes he is ignoring her because he finally realized she isn't ever going to like him in the way he wants her to. Bella calls Jacob's house every half hour until after 11 o'clock. And that isn't me exaggerating the story to illustrate my point in a more humorous fashion, it actually says: 'On Wednesday I called every half hour until after eleven at night, desperate to hear the warmth of Jacob's voice.' Stalkerish much? No wonder Bella wasn't phased in Book 1 when Edward told her he had been watching her sleep at night for like a month! Please woman, get a grip!

Bella finally decides that since her desirability is impossible to resist, Jacob must not be avoiding her, he must be in a cult. Perfectly sound logic. O.k., her theory isn't totally out of left field. Remember Sam Uley and how the boys on the reserve had started acting strange when they became friends with him? Anyhow, phase 1 of Bella's 'rescue Jacob from the cult' plan is a stakeout in front of the Black's house.

Bella manages to smoke Jacob out rather easily. We finally get to see Bella confront Jacob for avoiding her (even though she should be leaving well enough alone, since she has no intention of giving him what he wants in terms of a relationship). Jacob pretty much acts like an ass. Bella cries and again, even though I really dislike her, I feel bad for her. The love of her life leaves her, her all-in-one best friend and rebound ditches her and is so nasty to her, he makes her cry...which granted isn't that difficult to do. It appears Jacob has started believing the stories that the Cullens are vampires. He throws it in Bella's face, angry about something but he won't tell her what, not that she doesn't give it a few good guesses. My favorite of which is that Jacob joined a society of vampire-haters.

"How did he know this? And how did it have anything to do with Sam's cult? Was it a gang of vampire haters? What was the point of forming such a society when no vampires lived in Forks anymore?"

Oh Bella, Bella, Bella, always a little slow on the up take. A vampire hating society? Really? That's the best conclusion you can come to? Whatever the reason, Jacob is leaving Bella and Bella, who has no personality of her own outside of the ones she carves around others, panics and plays the worst card imaginable to try and make Jacob stay. Bella actually uses Jacobs feelings for her to try and coax him back, luring him with the promise that she might change her mind and they could be more than friends. She justifies it to herself by arguing that her plea was just a stretched truth "I was desperate, reaching, stretching the truth so far that it curved nearly into the shape of a lie." But it wasn't, it was pretty much as straight up lie, and a cruel one at that. Not like telling your boyfriend the crispy black lasagna he made you for dinner tastes delicious.

A lie like that is just evil, the blackest, most hanus and hideous form of evil and it worked! Sort of. Jacob still walked away from her, but he felt bad about it. The chapter ends with Bella being woken up by what sounded like fingernails scratching along the glass of her window....forgot about Victoria didn't you?

Favorite quotes and conversation:

Sure, I'd had a lot on my mind - revenge obsessed vampires, giant mutant wolves, a ragged hole in the center of my chest...

Chapter 11 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Jacob cuts his hair
• Jacob suddenly has serious anger issues
• Bella confronts Jacob about avoiding her and he acts like an ass
• Jacob 'breaks up' with Bella for all intents and purposes
• Bella gets dangerously close to losing it again
  

New Moon Chapter 10: The Meadow

The last time we looked in on the small town of Forks, Jacob was sick and thus not available to keep Bella too busy to think about Edward. Since Bella uses Jacob as her own personal pain killer, she isn't doing very well without him. Tired of waiting for him to get better, and showing her usual disregard for what might be best for Jacob, Bella tries to get him on the phone but to no avail. Both Billy and Jacob are being oddly evasive. I think it is hilarious that it is at this point that Bella decides picking up the search for her and Edward's meadow is a good idea. I know she is looking for a distraction, something that will stop her from thinking about losing Edward, but considering that goal, is the meadow search a logical choice for a 'don't think about Edward' activity? Hasn't she ever heard of tetris?

Anyway, through some miracle (a miracle I like to call 'plot devise') Bella manages to find the meadow. As soon as she realizes she has found it she experiences the outrageously debilitating pain that we all saw coming at the start of this little expedition. Bella's latest breakdown made me think about the frequency with which I've been harping on her character lately. Aside from the distasteful way she handles the Jacob situation, that she totally deserves hell for, I do treat her with a tad more acrimony than she deserves. I think the force of the pain Bella experiences through New Moon mirrors the intensity of her feelings for Edward in Twilight. Sadly I enjoyed reading pages and pages of romantic declaration much more than I enjoy endless pages of pain and suffering. I think maybe I'm disgusted with the 'curl up in a ball and let the emptiness take me' attitude that Bella has, because if I let myself feel anything but disgust I would be bawling through the majority of the books 563 pages. I choose to be angry and cynical, the the tears I shed for New Moon dried up at the end of chapter 3. Meanwhile, back at the meadow...

SO Bella barely gets a chance to fall apart before she notices a figure enter view from the far side of the meadow. It's Laurent! Excuse the exclamation mark. The fact that the figure standing across the meadow is one third of a group-o-vampires, the other two thirds of which tried to kill Bella one year and one book ago, isn't actually exciting to anyone except Bella. She is thrilled that Laurent exists, proving the fact that she didn't imagine Edward after all. Of course Bella quickly realizes the downside of having her proof standing only ten paces away.


After a quick conversation with Laurent, Bella learns that A. Victoria (vampire chick who's mate Edward killed for beating up on Bella in book 1) is hunting her and B. That's not really so bad because with Laurent eying Bella like she's a side of beef, she is going to die before Victoria can exact her revenge anyway. In the moment before Laurent is about to pounce and make Bella lunch, I loved that she started repeating Edward's name over in her head. I feel like were I ever in such a situation, you know, about to be murdered by a vampire associate of another vampire, whose vampire mate was killed by my vampire lover, I would do the same. BUT the dramatic 'last thought to go through Bella's head before she dies' moment was for naught. Bella is rescued by a pack of horse sized wolves that chase Laurent off. Fortunately before the rescue occurs we get an entertaining moment of Bella considering if it would be worse to be eaten by Laurent or a pack of wild wolves. She settles on death by vampire, I'd second her choice.


Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

"I was much more upset by the situation with Jacob then by the possibility of being eaten by a bear"

Bella on Laurent calling her by name "You remember." I smiled. It was ridiculous that I should be so elated that a vampire knew my name.

His name burst through all the walls I'd built to contain it. Edward, Edward, Edward. I was going to die. It shouldn't matter if I thought of him now. Edward, I love you.

Chapter 10 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Jacob is sick then just avoiding Bella
• Jacob and Billy are both acting odd
• Bella is unable to deal with alone time
  
• Bella goes searching for the meadow and find it and Laurent
• Laurent almost kills Bella but gets chased away by a pack of overgrown wolves
  

New Moon Chapter 9: Third Wheel

Bella is finally healed enough to be 'not miserable' she is far from happy but she has set up a circle of distractions that keep her busy enough to not think about Edward, which in turn allows her to function. Bella is still catatonic enough to not realize it's Valentines Day and when Jacob gives her a valentine token she makes a very half hearted attempt to clear up the boundaries of their friendship which somehow results in her asking him to the movies. Classic. Bella had intended it to be a group event but through a comedy of errors it ended up being Bella and her two would-be suitors, Mike and Jacob.

Before we move on to the hilarity that is the Mike vs. Jacob chapter of New Moon, I have to comment on Bella's movie choice. Bella chooses a horror movie over a romantic comedy. Regardless of her motivations for choosing the slasher flick, my issue was with Mike's reaction to her selection...

"Okay." Mike turned away, but not before I saw his maybe-she's-crazy-after-all expression.

So, what? A girl can't be a fan of a little action? Must we prefer romantic comedy to horror and bloodshed? Give me Dawn of the Dead over What Women Want any day of the week. Speaking of 'what women want' we were talking about how Bella's innocent group outing turned into a threesome.

This is probably one of the more entertaining New Moon chapters thanks solely to the one-upmanship between Mike and Jacob. Here's the play by play:

It looks like both teams brought their 'game' but in a rare sign of weakness Mike tries to reschedule the movie when he finds out everyone but the three of them bailed. Jacob sees an opening and suggests that Mike go home and he and Bella carry on alone. Smooth move Jacob.

Jacob 1, Mike 0

Mike quickly recovers and is back in the game, but Bella is favoring team Jacob and unexpectedly shoots down Mike's opportunity to drive in favor of taking Jacobs Rabbit. Team Jacob scores a double and the crowd goes wild! One point for getting to drive, bonus points for getting to drive a VW that he built himself. It does not look good for Mike.

Jacob 3, Mike 0

But what is this? Mike's not giving up, he turns the tables on Jacob by using the fact that Jacob is driving against him! Mike leans forward resting his chin on the back of Bella's seat, their cheeks almost touching. What a move! But wait, he's not done! Mike slides from the cheek move into an insult on the quality of Jacobs ride. Near physical contact and disparaging the other team. It's dirty but effective.

Jacob 3, Mike 1

Mike scores again at the theater when Jacob isn't old enough to buy his own way into the movie, Bella has to purchase the ticket for him (if you think this is embarrassing you haven't heard my first date story) Mike only gets a half point here because he's still sulking over the fact that he has to compete at all. No one likes a sore loser Mike.

Jacob 3, Mike 1.5

O.k. so it was never really a fair fight. Jacob gets 3 points, Mike gets 1.5 but it hardly matters because they are playing for Bella. Playing for Bella means playing against Edward. Gone or not, Edward's points are somewhere in the vicinity of 10 times infinity so they both lose. Jacob looses less for being a good sport.


Back to the chapter. I loved the description of both boys seated in the theater, palms up on the arm rest waiting for Bella to take one of their hands. Sadly the friendly (and very entertaining) competition is brought to an abrupt hault when Mike leaves the theater sick. I loved Jacob's line to Bella while Mike was heaving in the bathroom...

"You should hold out for someone with a stringer stomach. Someone who laughs at the gore that makes weaker men vomit."

I actually love Jacob here. He irritates the hell out of me in book three, but for now I can't deny him a certain degree of admiration. For one, Jacob lays all his cards on the table, something Edward was never capable of, even when his big secret was out. And secondly, it's almost impossible to dislike a character as persistent, optimistic and confident in himself as Jacob is.

One last thing I loved in this chapter was Jacob's attempt at romantic declaration.

"I know you're unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn't help anything, but I wanted you to know that I'm always here. I won't ever let you down-I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That i would never, ever hurt you?"

O.k. it was more an oath than a profession of love but the fact that he stopped mid the pouring of his heart to point out of his own accord that he was being corny was counter productive, adorable and hilarious.

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

I was like a lost moon-my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation-that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

"So are you going to be my Valentine? Since you didn't get me a fifty-cent box of candy, it's the least you can do." I started to feel uncomfortable. The words were teasing, but only on the surface.

Chapter 9 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Bella is much less broken
• Jacob and Mike battle for Bella's affection, adolescent boy style
  
• Jacob tells Bella how he feels straight up
• Bella is unsuccessful at convincing Jacob he doesn't have a prayer
• Jacob promises Bella he'll always be there for her no matter what
• Everyone gets sick. There is a lot of vomit.
  

New Moon Chapter 7: Repetition

Bella is back to obsessing over Edward's promise 'It will be as if I never existed' The day that she woke up from her semi conscious, self pitying stupor happened to be the one year anniversary of her arrival at Forks High. Bella felt like she was starting over, like the day played out as it would have the first time around if Edward had never existed (cue ominous music and voice over saying 'It will be as if I never existed') Like the title of this chapter, S.M. herself is not afraid of repetition. If her goal in Twilight was to see how many synonymous she could come up with for the word beautiful to describe Edward, then New Moon seems to be an attempt to see how many pages she can add to the books length by repeating versions of the '... if I never existed' line as frequently as possible. I suppose mentally looping bits of conversation is just a symptom of Bella's obsession, an obsession I can certainly sympathize with.

Speaking of Bella's mental un-health, she decides to pay a visit to the empty Cullen house in an effort to generate the Edward hallucination. You know, the one where she hears his voice in her head. She hasn't quite figured out how she managed the mental break in the first place but she is desperate to hear his voice again. Part of the desperation comes from her growing concern that she imagined the whole 'perfect vampire boyfriend' thing. You would think hearing voices might make the whole 'I imagined him theory' more, not less credible. Sadly the vacant Cullen house does not result in another psychotic break, just a lot of self-inflicted pain.

After the unsuccessful attempt to generate her Edward hallucination she runs off to self medicate her pain away with a Jacob visit. Jacob starts to push, with less subtle hints about his feelings for Bella. Bella, either out of sheer stupidity, selfishness or just because she is flat out mean, gently encourages him, all the while only caring about herself and how she can make herself hear Edward voices in her head.

Jacob isn't the only one who is making his interest in Bella known. Now that Bella is single and acting semi-normal again, Mike decides to give it another crack. With confidence probably somewhat inspired by his stylin' new Edwardesq hairdo, Mike asks Bella to the movies. He probably figures he deserves a second chance, it's been almost a year since his last rejection, Edward is gone and he seems the optimistic type. How is Mike to know Bella is incapable of being attracted to regular boys? Bella doesn't even know it. What Bella does know is she isn't attracted to Mike, despite this, her naive stupidity takes over and she agrees to go to the movies with Mike 'just as friends' Like that ever works.

Other important but less fun stuff that happens this chapter: Jacob finishes fixing the motorcycles so Bella and Jacob head out to test drive them. Jacob is of course totally unaware that the only reason Bella wants to ride a motorcycle at all is so she can break the promise she made to Edward to stay safe, and maybe if she's lucky hear her imaginary Edward voice yell at her about it. On the way to ride the bikes Bella sees Sam Ulley and the LaPush gang cliff diving and in addition to finding out that Jacob is not a fan of the boys, she decides that jumping off a cliff would make an excellent addition to her 'things I can do that might kill me so I can hallucinate about my ex-boyfriend' list


Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

The words ran through my head, tonelessly, like I was reading them rather than hearing them spoken: It will be as if I never existed.

Maybe I was developing a new kind of sickness, another addiction, like the numbness before. I didn't care. I barreled toward my fix. Jacob was waiting for me. My chest seemed to relax as soon as I saw him, making it easier to breathe.

Chapter 7 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Bella, still broken, acts more irritating than usual (if that's possible)
• Bella tries to purposefully generate the Edward hallucination
• Bella visits the empty Cullen house
• Jacob continues to fall for Bella which Bella continues to encourage
• Mike Newton tries out his new Edwardesq hairdo on Bella and asks her out
• Bella says yes to going to the movies with Mike 'as a friends'
• Jacob has finished the motorcycles
• Bella learns about Sam Ulley and his La Push gang who 'protect' the reserve
• Bella learns that Sam Ulley has recruited some of Jacobs friends into his 'gang'
• People who join the 'La Push' gang change
  

New Moon Chapter 6: Friends

Jacob Black starts working on fixing Bella's death machines and Bella starts hanging out more at the Black's house. Hanging out with Jacob slowly starts to bring Bella back to life. Her friends are in shock when she tries to join in on a conversation, apparently not having heard her speak in about a semester. Watching Bella realize just how 'checked out' she has been since Edward left is mildly entertaining but hardly the most important development in the chapter.

The most important development in chapter 6, as indicated by S.M.'s always clever and insightful chapter titles, is Bella's rapidly increasing enjoyment of Jacob's company. Clearly, unlike most gals Bella doesn't seem to have a 'type', she is growing to like Jacob quite a bit, yet describes him as the polar opposite of Edward,"Jacob was simply a perpetually happy person...Like an earthbound sun, whenever someone was within his gravitational pull, Jacob warmed them. It was natural, a part of who he was. No wonder I was so eager to see him." Poor, cold, broody Edward. I suppose I can see why Bella would be drawn to someone with characteristics that are in contrast to the person who recently ripped out her still beating heart, stomped all over it, then tore it up into tiny little pieces but doesn't Bella miss him? I do! What happened to all the epic love, and wanting to curl up in a ball and die? So much for 'The End.' She didn't even make an effort! Again I ask, how difficult do you think it would be to find a Dr. C. Cullen in the non-sunshine states. Someone needs to teach this girl about google. Honestly.

Besides, friends or not I think Bella is moving from one unhealthy (however satisfying) relationship to another. If Edward was an obsession, Jacob is an addiction to cure the pain caused by the inability to feed the original obsession. Bella uses Jacob like a drug.

"I was nervous when I got to the house. I didn't want to go upstairs. The warmth of Jacob's presence was fading and, in it's absence, the anxiety grew stronger."

It wasn't the whole chapter that made me want to slap Bella. I did enjoy the spaghetti party and the calculated age banter between Bella and Jacob that came out of Bella inadvertently pointing out the age difference between the two of them. It seemed like a very natural conversation. Few conversations with Edward seemed natural. Perfect and having fairytale like qualities, yes, but not natural. No one actually says things like "so the lion fell in love with the lamb." And to those of you who are wondering if Jacob is doomed to forever live in Edward's shadow, if he will forever be compared to Edward, by Bella and reader alike? The answer is.., yeah. Like you've never compared prospective love interests before.

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

"No way, I'm bankrolling this party. You just have to supply the labour and expertise."

"I was beginning to get annoyed with myself. I might as well have been packed in Styrofoam peanuts through the last semester."

Chapter 6 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Bella continues to be broken
• There is more talk of 'super bears' in the Forks woods
  
• Bella continues to use Jacob to achieve her goal of breaking her 'stay safe' promise to Edward
• Bella starts really enjoying Jacob's company, hand holding is occasionally involved
  
• We meet Embry and Quil, two of Jacobs friends.
• There is a super fun spaghetti party at the Blacks
  

Aside: Jacob and Bella have to hide the fact that they are fixing up the motorcycles from their respective parents (in fact you might say 'they gotta hide what they're doin''...you'll get that in a second). The section of this chapter that described Jacob and Bella leaving the garage after being called by their fathers, was responsible for getting an 80's pop hit stuck in my head for days....DAYS I tell you! The section of the chapter guilty of this hanus crime is below, if you are over 25 you get three guesses as to what song came to mind.

"Jacob smiled, enjoying the cloak and dagger. He snapped the light off, and for a moment I was blind, Jacob grabbed my hand...we were both tripping over our feet in the darkness. So we were both laughing..."

Think red haired 80's teen pop princess.

Gold star if you guessed 'I think we're alone now." Yes, it made me imagine Jacob and Bella in a Tiffany video.

Look at the way
We gotta hide what were doin'
cause what would they say
If they ever knew
And so were

Running just as fast as we can
Holdin on to one anothers hand
Tryin to get away into the night
And then you put your arms around me
And we tumble to the ground
And then you say

I think were alone now
There doesnt seem to be anyone around
I think were alone now
The beating of our hearts is the only sound

Maybe not the last part.

New Moon Chapter 5: Cheater

Now that Bella has snapped out of her catatonic state, she is forced to think more about the event that left her that way in the first place, including some of the things that were said that fateful day. She focuses in on the promises that were made. Edward's promise that 'it would be as if he never existed' and her promise that she would not do anything 'stupid or reckless'. The more she thinks about it, the more she has difficulty with the whole '...as if he never existed,' thing. According to Bella's logic (and pages of ranting), Edward's promise was 'insanity', 'stupid' 'impossible to keep' and 'broken as soon as he'd made it.' So she goes about finding a way to break her end of the deal, just to make things fair, and kicks off her efforts by garbage picking two broken down motorcycles from a classmates front lawn. It's difficult to be stupid and reckless on a motorcycle that doesn't run and so we see the return of little Jacob Black, except he's not so little anymore, he's 6'5'' now, (that's 3 inches taller than Edward, I know you were all wondering) and a little more grown up looking.


Bella approaches Jacob about helping her fix the bikes and teaching her to ride. Jacob is thrilled at the proposition, if you'll remember from the first book, he has a pretty wicked crush on Bella. This chapter introduces the second thing that irks me about New Moon, after addict like efforts to achieve her Edward hallucination fixes, I absolutely loathe the selfish way Bella uses Jacob to alleviate her pain with no regard to what leading Jacob on will do to him...it gets worse in Eclipse so I'll tone down the righteous judgment as much as I can through the New Moon chapters.


Favorite Quotes or Conversation:

"...I contemplated my luck. Only a teenage boy would agree to this: deceiving both our parents while repairing dangerous vehicles using money meant for my college education. He didn't see anything wrong with that picture. Jacob was a gift from the gods."

Jacob: "We'll have a joint party to make up for it." Bella: "Sounds like a date". His eyes sparkled at the word. I needed to reign in the enthusiasm before I gave him the wrong idea - it was just that it had been a long time since I'd felt so light and buoyant.

Chapter 5 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Bella is still broken but less catatonic
  
• A massive furry black thing, larger than a bear is spotted around Forks
• Bella gains possession of two motorcycles that don't run
  
• Bella asks Jacob Black if he will help fix up the bikes and he enthusiastically agrees
  

New Moon Chapter 4: Waking Up

Go back to sleep Bella. You were right the first time, life without Edward isn't worth living...it's not worth reading about anyway.


O.k., that might be a little overwrought, but if this chapter were a reflection of New Moon in it's entirety I wouldn't say it was inaccurate. Bella basically shuts down for four months, which S.M. cleverly depicts by simply printing each month that passes on a blank page. When she 'wakes up' she is still not really dealing with Edward's departure so much as trying to not think about it, which isn't working at all. She makes a valiant effort though. Bella attempts to re-engage the friends she doesn't really care about. You know, the ones she all but abandoned during her 'I'm too cool to hang out with you because I'm dating a vampire' phase and then again in her 'my life is over I just want to lie down and die because my vampire boyfriend left me' phase. The saddest part is he ditched her and she still couldn't care less about the people she's trying to interact with, mostly she is just trying to find away to put Charlie's mind at ease that she is o.k. which clearly she is not. The extent to which she is not o.k. is illustrated later in the chapter.

Bella has gone to a movie in Port Angeles with Jessica in a sad attempt to prove to Charlie that she is still functioning. The sun has set, and as the girls walk from the theater to dinner Bella sees four men standing outside of a bar...sound familiar? Port Angeles, dark street, group of men? If this isn't ringing any bells check out the Twilight Chapter 8 post for a quick refresher. For some reason Bella thinks it would be a good idea to go say hello to the strange men loitering on the street corner...because the last time she ran into a group of men on the dark streets of Port Angeles they were such a cuddly bunch. Despite actually being inside Bella's head, we never really get the reasoning behind her walking toward the men in the first place, she just does it for no apparent reason at all, but it's easy to forget about that minor detail when the outcomes of Bella's action is revealed. The end result of her little display of gusto is a super fun mini psychotic break. How can a psychotic break be a good time you ask? Well in Bella's case, it can involve Edward hallucinations, that's how. See what I mean? Clearly not o.k.

As the adrenaline kicks in over the stupidity of what Bella is doing, she hears this...

"Bella, stop this right now!" It was his voice-I was exceptionally careful not to think his name-and I was surprised that the sound of it did not knock me to my knees, did not curl me into the pavement in a torture of loss..."Go back to Jessica," the lovely voice ordered, still angry. "You promised - nothing stupid." I was alone...I began to suspect I was having some kind of hallucination."

I won't go into the hallucinations too much right now, we have lots of time for that later, but I will say they are one of my favorite and least favorite things about New Moon. Favorite, because they are the only little bits of Edward we have left to hold on to for most of New Moon. Least favorite because they are yet another symptom in the growing list of serious Bella character flaws that make me want to hold her down and beat her with something hard and heavy until she smartens up. You have to admit, she's taking pathetic to a whole new level here. I would be fine if she didn't want to buck up and 'get over it' but she could at least do something about it beyond hoping she goes insane...there are better options. For example, Bella chasing Edward himself, instead of hallucinations of Edward. How difficult could it be to locate a Dr. C. Cullen? An actual angry Edward has to be better than an angry Edward hallucination.


Another favorite moment in this chapter was Bella's admission that she clawed the stereo that Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie gave her for her birthday out of her car roughly enough to bloody up her fingernails. That I see as a natural healthy reaction to anger over being abruptly dumped, at least it's a reaction. Don't lie down and give up, smash something!

Favorite Quotes and Conversation:

"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, exercising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealthy gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time."

"How could they guess that I was standing there enjoying an unexpected moment of insanity."

"...and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them...Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget; it was a hard line to walk"

Chapter 4 sum up in 10 points or less:

• Bella is still broken
• Bella tries to convince Charlie she isn't broken by going to a movie with Jessica in Port Angeles
  
• Bella endangers herself by approaching a group of strange men in Port Angeles for an unknown reason
• Bella hears Edward's voice in her head reminding her of her promise to not do anything stupid